Programmer's Advice

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources

In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, Golf 2.8 and Racing 3.6.

I can't seem to

Little Johnny

Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

* * * * * * * * * * *
Little Johnny watched,

Pervert at Theater

A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie.
the ticket agent asked, "sir, what's that on your shoulder?"

the old farmer said, "that's my pet rooster chuck. wherever i go, chuck goes."

"i'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent. "we can't allow animals in the theater."

the old farmer went around the corner and stuffed chuck down his overalls.
then he returned to the booth, bought a

Hindi English - India

The following are supposed to be how the Indian are speaking English among themselves:

Principal to student..." I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette... ? "
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Class teacher once said :

" pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!"
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Rude customer

For those of us who fly from time to time (or work with the public) 

For all Employees Who Work with Rude Customers - An award should go to the Westjet gate attendant in Kelowna , British Columbia for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded flight was canceled after Westjet's 767s had been withdrawn from

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to

Raise Request

‎​‎​I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

    a) I do physical labor
    b ) I work at great depths.
    c) I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
    d) I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
    e) I work in a damp environment.
    f) I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
    g) I work in high temperatures.
    h) My work exposes me

Why Singaporean Girls can't win miss universe

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the 3 finalists, Miss USA , Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore are being asked 3 simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with 'L'
Miss USA : Lamp
Miss Malaysia : Light bulb
Miss Singapore : LADIO
Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter 'L'

MC: I am going to give you 3 more chances; Now,

100 kisses

DEAR Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance, so I am sending 100 kisses. You are my sweetheart, please adjust.

Your loving husband,
Aram SINGH

His wife replied...

Sunita to PAPA,

Thanks for the 100 kisses,
Below is the list of expenses I paid with the Kisses...:
     1. The Milk man agreed on 2 kisses for

Only a Mother would know

One day my mother was out, and my dad was in charge of me.

I was maybe 2 1/2 years old.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.

My Dad made her

Loyalty

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot

Rules of the road

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper. He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a big time lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the cop's expense.

Cop says," License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

"Ye didnae come to a

Old Man & Viagra

An elderly gentleman went to see his doctor and asked for a prescription of Viagra.

The doctor said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces."

The doctor said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said,

"That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore as I

am over 90 years old. I just want it to stick

Big War

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'

'Right

Health Joke

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

* * * *
Q: Should I cut down on

Three Dead Bodies

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on
their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died Of
heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the Lottery,
spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol

Disorder in American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American courts, and are things peopleactually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
* * * *
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS:

Difficult English

You Think English Is Easy?

Can you read these right the first time?

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like

Irish Wrestler

A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now den, don't forget all de research we've done on dis Russian. He's never lost a match because of dis 'pretzel' hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in dat hold! If he does, you're finished.'

Paddy nodded in acknowledgment.

God & Satan

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said, 'You want hot fudge with that? And Man said, 'Yes!' And Woman said, 'I'll have one too with chocolate chips'. And lo they

Australian Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late onenight,

A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brassgong hanging on thewall.

'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.

'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.

'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'

'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'

'How's

Do you remember ?

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great.. I would recommend it very highly.'

The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is

Really Miss

A man is in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions. Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".