Sunday, March 27, 2011

Simple FSM

'Finite state machines' are the heart of every game, and have been around for a very long time without you even noticing it. Ever played Pac-Man ? Well, it had a FSM (simple one, but still).

A finite state machine is a set of states with transitions between them. For example let's try to make a FSM representing a cat. The cat can sleep, wander around, go eat and run from danger. Then a sleeping cat could only wake up and start wandering around. It could fall back to sleep again but it could also go eat or run from a nearby dog. Take a look at the diagram:


To go from one state to another, we need to have a condition and depending on that condition we'll chose what state we should go to. The text over each arrow shows the transition condition. It is very simple to expand that FSM to make a smarter cat provided all transitions are properly made.

Each state defines a certain number of actions that are made when a new state is entered. This way we can create specific behaviors for each state as seen in the cat example above. 'Eat' state would be take food, chew, sallow and take food again until no more food.


In video games, state machines are used everywhere: 
  • artificial intelligence: create autonomous agents for realistic behaviors, like an Unreal bot who can shoot you, then run away towards a medpac, then find ammunitions and finally hunt you again;
  • cameras: switch between a top view camera to right shoulder camera when aiming at something;
  • game states: menu state, option state, in-game state;


Now, this whole thing was to introduce you to the implementation I made. I don't think it's the best FSM ever created, I'm sure there a things I could do to make it better but it's far enough for the uses I've made so far.

To start we have two abstract classes: FSM which holds the current state and CState which defines the states process (they serve as an interface only). The state machine you want to create must derive from FSM and it's states from CStates. The states it should accept should only be the ones associated with that FSM to avoid mixing states from two distinct machines. That's why the ChangeState should take as argument the associated state class instead of the general CState class. See diagram:


This way we can create tons of state machines all independent from each others and having them well organized.
Using this method, the change of state calls a new and delete operator which can be troublesome if too many calls are made. Another method could be using templates instead of arguments and casting the current state but casting can also take lots of resources...Still looking at that.
I'm not showing code here because I simply don't think there is anyone reading this, I just don't think code's hard to write (unless I've explained myself as bad as the 9/11 explanations...)  and also because copy-pasting code is the nemesis of all programmers.

On last thing. If you ever played Starcraft II, you've probably noticed that a unit in it's 'Hold position' mode (all modes are states) will move to a target unit nearby if any, kill it and then fall back to the exact same location it was before attacking. This is possible thanks to stacked state machines.
A stack state machine is a state machine like any other, keeping track of the previous state it was. Doing so we can fall back from one state to one of the previous states if needed, keeping the state data.


Hopefully it was clear and without mistakes. Yes, since potential employers might read this, it would be silly to shoot myself on the foot :)

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Canlis - 41st Anniversay Celebration

Cindy and I had a tasting menu dinner at Canlis last night to celebrate our 41st wedding anniversary. It was an amazing window table, service par excellence, interesting people watching, a very adventurous and beautifully presented menu, and a good time on tap for a 3 hours of dishes we would NEVER order individually on a menu.

Canlis was named this week a finalist, AGAIN, for best restaurant service in the United States by the James Beard Foundation. Well deserved based on our experience - a very busy, full, large, restaurant but it seemed there were more helpful, friendly, and always competent staff than there were guests. It was kind of cool.

The restaurant itself seems never changing, in a good way, with architecture, views and decor a classic NW/Asian vibe. After going there for 40 years I can't see anything different about the facility, service, or clientele.



The Clientele of this restaurant has not really changed over the years - we have been going there for 40 years - but that is what is really interesting. Everything else but the clientele in the world has changed dramatically. Today you can go to the fanciest public event or show and the attendees are in sweats and fleece. In this restaurant every guy is wearing a coat or suit, every women a dressy outfit. Really it makes high end New York look casual. There was a pretty good spread of ages, ethnicity's, and table group makeups but they all looked like this meal was, relative to their family wealth, one of the least expensive places in town. Big representation of couples our age hosting , interestingly, mostly adult daughters and their spouses for some celebratory event or another.


The menu at Canlis is extensive, expensive, and a list of classics that are each utterly satisfying in an ala carte format with extensive small plates, hot and cold, and a long list of mains. Over the years we have had most of them and enjoyed them. Last night we were feeling adventurous so we tried the tasting menu which is the polar opposite of their normal offerings. It was beautifully conceived, and presented. It was also quite good. However, I can't say it was really yummy the way most of their dishes are. But that is OK because it is really and adventure outside your comfort range and outside the range of classic dishes.

Tasting menu

Amuse Bouche - White asparagus soup with Olive Oil and grapefruit served with a spoon of Tequilla Sunrise which uses sodium alginate to turn liquids into a big bubble you pop in your mouth and it liquifies - fun and tasty.

Opakapaka - Sashimi with fennel pollen, orange, and a ginger-carrot nage which was surprisingly the tastiest savory course. beautiful and very good.

Scallop Mousse - Michael Richard would have been proud of the faux cannelloni. Alternating stranding of white and black squid ink spaghetti "pasta tube" filled with a scallop cream mousse with a charred (best idea of the evening I will steal for my cooking) cauliflower. It was a little scary tasting until I had the inspiration to put a little fluer de sel on it. The salt allowed the subtle cream and scallop flavors to compete with the squid ink.

Pheasant - An architectural piece of breast wrapped in crunchy cabbage, with a foie gras sauce and hockey puck (the tastiest savory bites of the evening - fried of course) of "dressing". If you have never had it or cooked it Pheasant is the toughest, least friendly game bird you could ever choose to eat - so pretty good is a massive compliment. There is something deep in the American psyche that deems "pheasant under glass" as the most elegant dish possible.

Venison - The second game dish was a dry aged, sous vide loin which was wrapped in a pretty tasty sheet of pine ash (by some magic of molecular gastronomy). In My opinion Venison kind of falls in the four legged camp of Pheasant - Not the meat of choice - but again it was pretty good.

Degistive - Cranberry Fizz - Another molecular gastronomy dish. A really yummy, fizzy, creamy, sweet palate cleanser served as an ice cream soda.

Dessert - Cindy had a chocolate molten cake that was awesome served with a kind of dove bar ice cream on a stick that was caramel covered with chocolate and way too much salt (And I am salt addicted) that somebody screwed up in the mis en place stage. I had the Butternut squash "cheesecake" which is way too complicated a plate to even describe. Beautiful, decent tasting.

Of Course, being Canlis, when we walked out the front door our car was sitting there with the engine running - impressive after all these years.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Humor with a Good moral - The Pastor

Here's a little CLEAN humor with a good moral ....

The Pastor's Ass

A Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won..

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race..

The next

Beethoven Backwards

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.

He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard

Someone Sorry

Lee Sum Wan :  Hello can I speak to Annie Wan?

Mr  Sori  :  Yes, you could speak to me.

Lee Sum Wan : No! I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Mr  Sori : You are now talking to someone ! Who is this?

Lee Sum Wan : I'm Sum Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent!

Mr  Sori : I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Lee Sum Wan : Well just tell

What is Globalization?

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?

Answer: Princess Diana's death

Question: How come?

Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Perbedaan Mobil Baru & Penganti Baru

Apa beda mobil baru dan penganten baru ?

 Jawaban 1:
Kalo mobil baru, dibuka dulu baru dinaikin!. Penganten baru? Wah sama ya..
Salah !
Jawaban 2:
Kalo mobil baru, ada lubang minggir. Kalo penganten baru ? Ya maju terussss. haha..

Surat PENJUAL BUAH yg patah hati:

"Wajahmu memang MANGGIS,
watakmu juga MELONkolis,
tapi hatiku NANAS karena cemburu,
SIRSAK napasku,
hatiku ANGGUR lebur,
ini DELIMA dalam hidupku,
memang ini juga SALAKku,
jarang APEL malam minggu,
ya Tuhan,
Mohon BELIMBING-Mu,
kalo memang perPISANGan ini yg terbaik untukku,
SEMANGKA kau bahagia dgn pria lain...
SAWOnara...."
Dari: DURIANto

Surat Balasan dari pacarnya yang ternyata TUKANG SAYUR:

What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?

Stress is when wife is pregnant,...

Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant...

Panic is when both are pregnant.

The Difference between Confident and confidential ?

A young boy asks his Dad :"What is the difference between confident and confidential?

Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, THAT is confidential.

The Importance Of Period

Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?

Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away

Losing All His Friends

Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.

He shoots his friend and kills him.

His Wife says :

"If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends"..

How to Bite Breast

An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one evening when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
                               
He says to her, "Hey miss, would  you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.  

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?"

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Punjabi Lawyer

A Punjabi lawyer working in UK wrote to his wife in India
Dear Sunita Darling,
I can't send you my salary this month because the global market crisis has affected my Company's performance,
so I am sending 100 kisses.  You are my sweetheart, please adjust.
Your loving husband,
Tuna Singh

His wife replied...
TINKU KE PAPPA,
Thanks for the 100 kisses.  Below is the list of expenses I paid with the

Memory Joke

A 90-year-old couple were having problems with their memory, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

They explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory.

After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were in good health, however, the best thing to do was to start writing things down and

How To Buy Poison In Pharmacy

A nice, calm, young and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, 'I would like to buy some cyanide.'

The pharmacist asked, 'Why in the world do you need cyanide?'

The lady replied, 'I need it to poison my husband.'

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, 'Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your

Bill Gates

I was in the airport VIP lounge en route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago.
While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates,

Pee Bet

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I can pee farther than anyone else".
"Yeah" the bartender says.
"Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from 75 feet away" the guy says.
"Yeah right" the bartender says.
"It's true, in fact, I'll bet you 100 dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle 75 feet away and not spill a drop" the guy says.
"Go ahead" the bartender says smiling at

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Help This Blonde To Call Her Mom

A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money." But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

"Anything?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.

Well, then, "Just follow me" said the man as he walked

Ah, the innocence of children

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?
            
While I sat in the reception area
              of my doctor's office, a woman rolled  an elderly man
              in a wheelchair into the room.  As she went
              to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone
              and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make
              small talk with him, a little

Amisha Woman and her Daughter

An Amish  woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blistery day.

The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs and your body heat will warm them up.'

The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The girl replied, '

Macam-macam Orang

Orang bodoh mengumbar idenya agar dikira dia pandai ,

Orang pandai mengumpulkan orang orang bodoh untuk mengembangkan ide.

Orang berduit mengumpulkan orang orang pandai untuk investasi,

Orang LAIN mengumpulkan ketiganya untuk membuat perusahaan bagi dirinya.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '
' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable.
'Actually, even with all of this

Bahaya Makan Nasi

Hasil penelitian ilmiah yang baru saja dilakukan membuktikan bahwa makan nasi ternyata tidak baik bagi kita.

Kesimpulannya:

1. NASI MENYEBABKAN KECANDUAN. Responden kami yang tidak makan nasi selama sehari saja akan kelaparan dan merasa sangat ingin makan nasi lagi.

2. SETENGAH dari seluruh siswa Indonesia yang makan nasi nilainya ada di bawah rata-rata kelas.

3. Manusia pada zaman batu yang

Puisi Menentang Pornografi

PUISI ANAK2 BALI MENENTANG UU PORNOGRAFI.
   
Suara Hati Anak Pantai..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Jangan salahkan turis pakai bikini..
Mereka mencari kehangatan matahari..
Di pantai kebanggaan negeri ini..
Untuk itu tolonglah Bali dipahami..
Tak mungkin berjemur pakai dasi..
Bang Haji yang saya hormati..
Mulailah engkau introspeksi diri..
Kelak kau temukan kebenaran sejati..
Jangan banyak

Kambing Congek Gus Dur

Gus Dur diberitahu oleh seorang ajudan bahwa di luar istana telah berkumpul sekelompok massa garis keras yg berdemo menuntut pembubaran Ahmadiyah.

Ajudan tsb juga menginformasikan bahwa para demonstran membawa ayam betina sebagai simbol berikut sindiran atas kepengecutan Gus Dur yg enggan membubarkan aliran yg mereka anggap sesat.

Gus Dur berjalan keluar istana dan menemui para demonstran

Woman Gives Back

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home..

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal..

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her..

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.'

The Hamster and the Frog

A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.”

The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”

The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.”

“Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He

The Story of Good Girls; Bad Girls And Naughty Girls

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants

Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack

Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains

Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from  Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter, "but for a million pounds you've only got one life-line left – phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which

Flying Over The Fire

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane.

“I will be waiting for you at the airport!” he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with

Kentut Sebuah Puisi

Kentut (sebuah puisi)

Dia tak berwujud, tak bernyawa
Tapi baunya terasa
Dia tak berbahaya tapi dijauhi
Dia ramah tetapi tak didekati

Kalau bunyinya keras artinya jujur
Tak bersuara ertinya pemalu...
Keluar sekaligus ertinya berjiwa besar
Setengah-setengah artinya berhemat...

Oh KENTUT...
Orang Inggris kentut, dia bilang: "excuse me"
Orang Amerika kentut, dia bilang: "pardon me"
Orang Malaysia

Setting Telephone Poles

The local newspaper posts an ad for experienced linesmen needed to set new telephone poles for the phone company.

Three groups of 4 men answer the ad.

The foreman in charge says, “Good. Here’s a new truck for each group, complete with tools and all necessary equipment. Go set as many poles as you can in a day’s time, and the group which sets the most poles will be hired.”

By day’s end, the

Personal matter

This bartender is in a fun bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, “May I please speak to your manager?”
He says, “Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?”
She replies, “I don’t know if your the man to talk to…its kind of personal…”

Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, “I’m pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss.”
She then looks at him

Kids and God

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to “honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

One little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung

Nine Words Women Use

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be

8 Kata-kata Bijak

1. Uang bukan segalanya... Masih ada VISA & Mastercard

2. Sayangilah binatang karena mereka sangat lezat

3. Hematlah air! dengan cara mandi berdua bersama pacar di bawah pancuran shower

4. Di belakang pria sukses ada seorang wanita hebat. Di belakang wanita sukses
ada pria stress.

5. Cintailah tetangga, karena rumput mereka lebih hijau

6. Cinta itu photogenic, ia memerlukan tempat yang sepi

Clever Anagrams

This has got to be one of the cleverest E-mails I've received in awhile.
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the

Romantic Poetry

I wrote your name on sand, it got washed
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away, then
I wrote your name on my heart and I got heart attack.

God saw me hungry, he created pizza
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

Twinkle Twinkle Little Star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental

Way Too Much Tequila

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well...., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly

Good Wife

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.”The driver says, “Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.”

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: “Now don’t be silly dear, you know that this car doesn’t have cruise control.”As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over

The Preacher Said

'If I had all the beer in the  world, I'd take it and throw it into the  river''

And the congregation cried,  'Amen! '

'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in the river'

And the congregation cried,  'Amen!'

'And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all and throw it in the  river'

Again the congregation  cried, 'Amen!'

The Preacher sat  down

Tentara Wedi Bojo

Mari pegatan muntiyadi terus rujukan maneh karo romlah.
Masalahe muntiyadi cinta pol karo romlah.

Kapanane ndek kesatuanne muntiyadi, tentara diperintah baris.
Tapi komandan njaluk barisanne dibagi loro.

Barisan sing pertama tentara sing wedi karo bojone.
Barisan sing kedua tentara sing gak wedi karo bojone.

Pas komandan ngecek barisan.
Barisan sing pertama akeh pol…
Barisan sing kedua cuman

Where is God

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he  would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

11 People On A Rope

Eleven people were  hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that  one had to leave,
Because otherwise they were  all going to fall.
They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very  touching speech.

She said that she would  voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a  woman, she was used

Jenis dan tipe pipis lelaki

LELAKI PEMBENCI:
Sesudah pipis, trus ngeludahin pipisnya.

LELAKI CUEK:
Abis pipis, resleting ga ditutup, celana ga dikancing.

LELAKI COOL:
Pipis di kulkas.

LELAKI LICIK:
Pipis di dalam kolam renang.

LELAKI BERANI:
Pipis di dalam kandang singa.

LELAKI HANGAT:
Pipis deket kompor

LELAKI BUAYA:|
Pipis sambil tengkurep.

LELAKI HATI-HATI:
Pipisnya dikeluarin pelan-pelan (takut bunyi)

LELAKI

The Mailman's Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family, who
congratulated him

and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.

The folks at the

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Roti

Seorang paman membuat surprise istrinya dengan mengadakan pesta besar memesan lewat telephone pada toko roti tart JUMBO ,
untuk ulang tahun istrinya dengan pesan tulisan. yang dibacakan lewat telephone.

ditulis paling atas,  Istriku sayang,

bagian atas  " kamu tetap cantik"
bagian tengah.."  hangat "
dan bagian bawah " setiap hari menjadi pujaanku "

Roti pesanan datang dan disaksikan tamu tamu

The Blonde Mortician

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, and points out that the man looks good in the black suit he's already wearing.

The widow, however, says she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives

At The Bar

Di sebuah bar di tengah kota New York, masuklah seorang Chinese bernama Kong  Beng dan duduk di kursi bar.

 Disamping Kong Beng duduklah 2 orang bule dan berkata pada bartender  "Johnnie Walker, Single"
 Dan yg satunya berkata  "Jack Daniels, Single"

 Lalu si bartender melirik ke Kok Beng dan bertanya  "And you Sir?"

 Dengan tegas Kok Beng menjawab:
 "Tan Kok Beng, Married"...

Mother in Law

Husband and wife had a tiff.
Wife called up her mum and said, “he fought with me again, I am coming to live with you”.
Mom said, “No, no baby, he must pay for his mistake, I am coming to stay with you.”

Dave sent his wife a message that he'd be home a day earlier than planned. Arriving at the house, he discovered his wife in bed with another man. Bitterly, Dave kicked them out of the house, and

Various Thinker

...It should be things...

Q: What is the definition of a baby.... ?
A: A cute little starter person.

Early to bed, early to rise and your girlfriend goes out with other guys.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Q: Where do most women have curly hair?" 
A: In Africa

Grammar is important: Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle

Test Yourself

1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time, a physical impossibility.
2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.
3. And discover #1 is a lie.
4. You are smiling now because you are an idiot.
5. You'll soon forward this to another idiot.
6. There is still a stupid smile on your face .

I love this Doctor

I love this Doctor!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not

Ceritaan Horor

Adi sedang dlm perjalanan ke Jakarta dgn bis mlm. Di tengah perjalanan, bis berhenti di terminal, seorg kakek tua naik & menawarkan buku2 pd penumpang.
“Bukunya nak? Ada mcm2 nih. Buku silat, cinta2an, agama, dll”, ujar si kakek.
Adi yg sedang tdk bisa tidur pun tertarik. “Ada buku horor ga kek?”
“Oh suka cerita horor ya? Kebetulan sisa 1. Pas lg ceritanya ttg bis yg ditinggali bnyak arwah

Jangan Pernah Menertawakan Pria China

Seorang pria China pergi ke suatu bank di New York City dan berniat untuk meminjam uang sebesar $5000 untuk perjalanan bisnis ke China selama 2 minggu. Si pegawai mengatakan bahwa bank tersebut membutuhkan suatu jaminan untuk pinjaman tersebut, dan kemudian si pria China memberi mobil Ferrari baru yang diparkir di depan bank sebagai jaminan.

Kemudian pegawai bank setuju menggunakannya sebagai

Hanny dan HanniBAL

Janggo yang bisnisnya memelihara kuda pilihan mendapat sepasang kuda jempolan, thoroughbred dari Arab.
Yang cewek diberi nama HANNY, dan yang cowok dinamai HANNIBAL.  Mereka memang kuda2 pilihan. Baru saja mereka dimasukkan satu kandang, Hannibal langsung saja “ngerjain” Hanny. Jango sangat senang melihat Hannibal begitu agressive. Dia akan mendapatkan keturunan kuda2 yang jempolan, pikir Jango.

Baron van Veght

Baron van Veght, seorang bangsawan pergi berburu dengan didampingi pembantunya yang bernama Jan. Dari pagi sampai tengah hari, mereka tidak mendapat mangsa satupun. Untuk pulamg ke rumah, masih terlalu pagi, dan untuk mengisi waktu, Baron van Veght mengajak Jan untuk membuat sajak secara bergantian.

Baron van Veght mulai dengan sebuah sajak.

Baron : “Jan, je moet niet boos worden. Het is niet

Filosofi Balas Dendam

Kalau ada orang melempar anda dengan batu, janganlah anda membalasnya dengan melempar batu juga.
Balaslah dengan melemparnya dengan BUNGA, tetapi pastikan anda melempar DENGAN POTNYA.

Oshima

Seorang Jepang yg mengunjungi sahabat lamanya di Amerika, ditraktir si Amerika ke restoran TGIF.

Amerika: "Do you know what it means, TGIF?".

Jepang: "No, what is it?".

Amerika: "Thank God It's Friday".

Si Jepang terkesan dengan nama dan kepanjangan TGIF tsb. Sekembalinya ke Jepang dia membuka restoran baru dan mengundang si Amerika untuk menghadiri launch nya.

Jepang: "Do you know what it

​The difference between CRAZY and STUPID

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to Mental Hospital. He discovered a flat tire when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tire down. When he was about to fix the spare tire, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened. The

School - College - Company Differences

School:
Two books for one subject.

College:
One book for all subjects.

Company:
Books? Ye kya hota hai. Only follow standards.

**
School:
A White pipe in teacher's hand - CHALK

College:
A White pipe in student's hand  CIGARETTE

Company:
A White pipe in employee's hand  100% CIGARETTE

**
School:
Most Frequent letter- LEAVE LETTER

College:
Most Frequent letter- LOVE LETTER

Company:
Most

Rencana Pemerintah

Rencana pemerintah per Agustus 2010" akan memberi gaji pengangguran di Indonesia sesuai lulusan sekolah yaitu:

SD= 1.250.000,-
SMP= 2.750.000,-
SMU= 3.000.000,-
S1= 4.250.000,-
Gaji buta tersebut akan diberikan dlm bentuk "YEN"...
Dengan ketentuan sbb:


YEN ono dhuwite
YEN Presiden'e mbah'mu
YEN Wakil'e pakdhe'mu
YEN ing tawang ono lintang
YEN betah ora ngguyu..

Si Amat Semarang

Si Amat (dudu Achmad lho) wiwit cilik manggon ndok galwareng Semarang, lahir 40 taun kepungkur ndok RS Tionghowa Iwan, saiki nyupir datsu jurusan nggaron – rayu lewat panglima.

Memper yen deweke saiki nyupir, nom-nomane mbeling, gawene galapan brompit lan sering kongkow-kongkow ndok panglima nalika isih anyar-anyare.
Numpake brompit jan sangar banget,samber nggelap tenan.

Maklum yen nalika

Facebook

Ada seorang laki2 yg pengen belajar facebookan trus dia g tau yg harus dilakukan makanya dia SMS temen perempuannya buat ngajarin Facebook,, isi smsnya kurang lebih begini:

mr X: Mey, warahi aq gae facebook yoo
maya: Oke, u wes nang ngarep komp?
mr X: wes, aq yo wes ndue email
maya: sippp, buka en, browser firefox, nek ga ngono internet explorer
mr X: browser ki opo?
maya: klik menu start trus

Grandparent's answering machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave  your message after you hear the beep. Beeeeeppp ...
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 8:

 If you need us to stay with the children, press 1

 If you want to borrow the car, press 2

 If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 3

 If you want the grandchildren to sleep here

Jumping Off The Empire State Building

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: “You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building – by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window.”

The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while

Tercepat

Seorang manager HRD sedang menyaring pelamar untuk satu lowongan di kantornya. Setelah membaca seluruh berkas lamaran yang masuk, dia menemukan 4 orang calon yang cocok. Dia memutuskan memanggil ke-4 orang itu dan menanyakan 1 pertanyaan saja. Jawaban mereka akan menjadi penentu apakah akan diterima atau tidak.

Harinya tiba dan ke-4 orang itu sudah duduk rapi di ruangan interview. Si Manager

Priest On Vacation

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation By not wearing anything that would identify them

As clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed For a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, Shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on beach chairs,

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Hebatnya huruf S

Sekedar Senyum di Sabtu Sore


Semula Susi sekadar sahabat saya. Sekarang Susi sudah sungguh-sungguh sebagai simpanan sejati saya.

Susi sangat suka saya, saya sangat suka Susi. Susi siswa SMA Swadaya, sekolahnya sekitar Semanggi selatan.

Susi seputih salju, sehalus sutera, semanis sirop. Susi sangat sensual, semampai, sensitif, sexy. Susi secantik selebritis sinetron SCTV Sarah Sehan!

Semalam,

Maria

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.
The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.'
The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'
Maria: 'Your husband said so.'
Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second

An Elderly Lady Asserts Herself

An elderly lady finished her shopping and, upon return to the parking lot, found four men in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at the top of her voice that she knew how to use it and that she would if required, so they should get out of the car.

The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady loaded

Cerita yang semuanya diawali dengan huruf J

Jeng Juleha janda judes, jelek jerawatan, jari jempolnya jorok. Jeng Juleha jajal jualan jamu jarak jauh Jogya-Jakarta. Jamu jagoannya: jamu jahe.
“Jamu-jamuuu…, jamu jahe-jamu jaheee…!” Juleha jerit-jerit jajakan jamunya, jelajahi jalanan. Jariknya jatuh, Juleha jatuh jumpalitan. Jeng Juleha jerit-jerit:

“Jarikku jatuh, jarikku jatuh…” Juleha jengkel, jualan jamunya jungkir-jungkiran, jadi jemu

Suami Setia

Sepasang suami-isteri setengah baya sedang ber-jalan2 di mal.
Mereka tampak sangat rukun dan saling menyayangi, terutama dari pihak suami yang menggandeng isterinya kemana saja mereka pergi.

Dengan perasaan kagum, seorang teman pria yang mengantar mereka ingin tahu rahasia kerukunan mereka walaupun mereka telah menikah kurang lebih 40 tahunan, dan menanyakannya dengan bisik2 kepada sang suami.

Salah Sambung

Seorang satpam yang sedang tertidur,terbangun mendengar dering telepon.ia langsung mengangkatnya. terdengar suara di telepon,"Halo, satpam?kaukah itu?"
"ya,ini Satpam,siapa ini?"
"Aku Majikanmu,coba kau ke depan kamar nyonya,dan intip dari lubang kunci,apa yang nyonyamu lakukan...!cepat! "
"Ba...baik tuan...!"
dengan gugup satpam itu segera pergi.sesaat kemudian ia kembali ke telepon.
"Sudah,

Tukar bebek

Dikisahkan ada seorang tukang jamu yang seksi, kulit putih, bodi semlohay, dan banyak pelanggan pula.
Salah satu pelanggannya akang Amin, penjual bebek di kampung setempat.

Amin : "Neng jamunya satu dong..."
Iteung : "mangga kang..."
Sewaktu menuangkan secangkir jamu, lirak lirik aja mata si Amin melihat betis mulus si Iteung yg waktu itu menggunakan kain selutut
Iseng2 si Amin tanya...

A : "

Pitik Homo

Ceritane tentang sebuah peternakan ayam.

Iki crita pitik-pitik ndik peternakane Mat Pithi. Ndik kono onok 25 pitik babon karo situk pitik jago, tapi wis ngurak, tuwo. Ndelok pitik jagone wis tuwo koyok ngono iku mau, sing mestine wis gak isok diarepno isok nglakeni babon sing sak mono akehe, Mat Pithi mutusno tuku jago situk maneh, sing jik enom.
Ndelok onok jago anyar, kathik jik enom,

Salah Roso

Pas perpisahan arek2 TK setiap murid nggowo kado gawe bu gurune

Sing pertama maju anake penjual kembang.Bu gurune ngambung kadone

ambek mbedek.  “Isine kembang yo?”

“Seratus untuk bu guru” jare anake sing adol kembang.

Mari ngono sing nomer loro maju,anake dhodol mracang.Ambek gurune kadone dikocok kocok.Wah,iki sodok angel mbedeke”Isine permen yo?”

“Pinter bu guru”jare anake wong sing

Utang

Sore2 jam 3 onok tamu teko omahe Cak No

“Kulo nuwun.Aku Kusen ning.Cacakmu onok tah?”jare tamune

“Sik durung mulih..diluk ngkas paling,pinarak sik cak” jare bojone Cak No


Mari ngono arek loro malih asik ngobrol ambek ngenteni Cak No mulih.

“Sik tah ning,lek tak sawang2 sampeyan iku uayu lho atik seksi pisan”Kusen mulai ngerayu.

“Peno ojok macem 2lho,tak kandakno bojoku digibengi sampeyan”

Sentir

Seorang guru sedang mengajar di kelas anak2 TK.

Guru        : “Bocah2, sopo sing iso ngekek-i contoh panganan ?”

Murid2    : “Kue Lapis”, “Onde2”, “Nogosari”, “Bolang-baling”.

Guru        : “Bener kabeh. Sek iki, sopo sing iso ngekek-I contoh permen / mut-mutan ?”

Murid2    : “Permen Coklat”, “Permen karet”, “permen lolli”.

Tuti, anak yang berumur 4 tahun mengangkat tangannya dan mengatakan

KB

Bu Suminah, KB ngagem alat nopo ?
Nganggé karèt KB paket BKKBN 'bu...
Menawi 'bu Sri ?
Suntik
Lha 'bu Yayuk ?
Ngangge dingklik 'bu..
Lho kok dingklik ??
Inggih 'bu, bojo kulo niku rak pendèk to nanging kulo duwur. Padahal senengané bojo kulo      menawi main kaliyan ngadheg, kepekso ancik2 dingklik...
Terus nopo hubungané kaliyan KB ?
Lha, nèk piyambake sampun badhe medal, dingkliké kulo tendang

Faith

A couple of nuns who were nursing sisters had gone out to the country to minister to an outpatient. On the way back, they were a few miles from home when they ran out of gas.

They were standing beside their car on the shoulder when a truck approached.

Seeing ladies of the doth in distress, the driver stopped to offer his help. The nuns explained they needed some gas.

The driver of the truck

You’re Not a Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you.

Kucing diumbah Rinso

"Pak Joko, aku tuku rinso ne",

" Gawe opo mbah..?",

" Kucingku keno lumpur, kate tak umbah...." Jare mbah Cukluk,

" Mbah, sampeyan iki aneh-aneh ae, yo mati kucing sampeyan, kucing kok di umbah ambek rinso? ", jare pak Joko, tapi si mbah tetep mempeng ae ,

Singkat cerita, pak joko tetep ngedoli rinsone,

Besok pagi, si mbah teko nang toko ne pak joko,

" Yok opo kucing e sampeyan mbah ?",

"

Bang Tirta beli ayam

Bu Inem adalah seorang penjual ayam hidup, special ayam kampung di  suatu pasar tradisional, ,
 Suatu ketika, seorang lelaki, sebut aja namanya TIrta masuk ke lost bu  Inem utk membeli seekor ayam :
 Tirta:
 "Bu,, ayam betina satu bu,, carikan ayam yg asal Madura yach,,"
 Bu inem sambil bergumam dlm hati (macam2 aja nih pembeli,,) menyodorkan seekor ayam di dekatnya.
 Tirta pun memeriksa dan

Shopping at Costco

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco.. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars - A lot

Mr. Bean

BRAIN TUMOR
Doctor: I regret to tell you that you have a brain tumor.
Mr. Bean: Yesss!!! (jumps in joy)
Doctor: Did you understand what I just told you?
Mr. Bean: Yes of course, do you think I'm dumb?
Doctor: Then why are you so happy?
Mr. Bean: Because that proves that I have a brain!


MR. BEAN WHILE IN GRADE SCHOOL
Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9
Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are

Mesin Penangkap Maling

Para ilmuwan di Jepang telah berhasil mengembangkan sebuah mesin penangkap pencuri (penguntil)

otomatis. Mesin ini bekerja secara efektif dgn memadukan mesin detektor barang yg dicuri, dgn mesin
penangkap pencuri yg ditempatkan di pintu2 keluar Super Market,Mall and tempat-tempat keramaian lainnya.

Dalam rangka uji coba mesin ini disebarkan ke beberapa negara :

-Di India mesin ini menangkap

Sunday, March 6, 2011

3 Blonde Detectives

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
"So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a detective, you have to

CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok.'  

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really  need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my  wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything  better and I go to work. You try that.' 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do

Nun in a Cab

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything.

Oneng Maen Puzzle

Si Oneng girang banget wkt dia berhasil menyelesaikan puzzle..

Ditanya ama Badjuri : “knp Neng, keliatannya girang banget..abis menang lotre ye ?”

“Kagak Bang, ini aye berhasil beresin puzzle dlm wkt 3 bln..”

“3 bln ? Lama amat Neng..”

“Yehh si Abang, ini dah cepet banget.. Tuh liat tulisan di Dusnya.. For 3 – 5 years”...

Grandma's don't know everything

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his Grandma for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while, and when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that thing called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse,

Ngaku dosa

Empat orang biarawan tadi malam diijinkan untuk pergi bermalam minggu oleh biksu, namun harus melaporkan hal apa saja yang telah mereka perbuat,,.
Keesokannya ….

Biarawan I :
Biksu semalam saya telah berdosa karena menonton film Bokep, yang tidak sepantasnya sy tonton..

Biksu : Dosamu telah diampuni, karena kamu telah mengaku, Sekarang pergi dan minumlah air suci 2 gelas... !

Biarawan IV ,

God Bless England

A Mexican, an Arab, and a hot gorgeous blonde Devon girl are in the same bar.

When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47,

Legal vs Logical

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK". So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Childbirth at 65

With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.

'May I see the new baby?' I asked

'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'

Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'

'No, not yet,' She said.

After

Goceng

Seorang suami paruh baya suka jogging setiap lepas subuh menjelang pagi..dan setiap lewat sebuah jalan dia selalu bertemu dgn seorang cewek PSK cantiq n sexy yg berdiri di sana...
Dan tiap kali pula si cewek berteriak kepadanya
“Lima ratus ribu, mau??” yg selalu dengan bercanda si laki paruh baya jawab, “Nggak ahh.., goceng ajaaa..!!”
Hal itu sudah menjadi kebiasaan mereka setiap kali berpapasan.

How Blindman Buy sunglasses

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should  spend the rest of your day......

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush.

By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses
to hide his eyes, how should he express himself?

Think

Pilihan di Tangan Anda

*Merokok, tapi tdk minum arak,
Lin Biau meninggal umur 63 thn.

*Minum arak tapi tdk merokok,
Zhou En Lai meninggal umur 73 thn.

*Merokok, dan minum arak,
Mao Ze Dong meninggal umur 83 thn.

*Merokok,minum arak dan main kartu, Deng Xiao Pin meninggal umur 93 thn.

*Merokok, minum arak, main kartu, main cewek (punya bini muda),
Zhang Xue Liang meninggal 103 thn.

*TIDAK merokok, TIDAK minum arak,

11 Tipe Wanita menurut ilmu komputer

Ada 11 tipe wanita yang di hasilkan dari ilmu IT komputer, kita simak yuk:

1. Tipe CPU : Pintar, pemikir, tidak banyak bicara tapi mengerjakan banyak hal, (diam-diam tau-tau sudah 7 bulan).

2. Tipe Monitor : Genit, senangnya diperhatikan, suka pamer,(padahal belum tentu yang dipamerin bagus).

3. Tipe Keyboard : Senang di pegang, ditekan dan di pencet di berbagai lokasi (awas, salah tekan bisa

Robot

Pak de mlaku mlaku karo bekas pacare  neng Ginza,Tokyo, Jepang. Wis jam 2 awan durung mangan, mesti ngelih tenan.

    “Buk ngelih rak ?”, jare pak de
    “I yo to yo, wetengku wis keroncongan”
    “Wah nak ono restoran padang mesti uenak iki”
    “Iyo mesti cepet, rak perlu kudu pesen barang”
    “Wah, kae ono restoran sing nyugohke robot”
    “Ho o yo, nak robot mesti nyugohkene cepet”
    Pak

Adult Riddles

Q. What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker?

A. A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and

The Secret of Sex

There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."

"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.

"OK, he says, How about

Completed and Finished

People say there is no difference between COMPLETED and FINISHED.

But there is.

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE.
And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are…………

COMPLETELY FINISHED.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Marokkaanse sollicitant

De baas leidt een Marokkaanse sollicitant rond in zijn worstenfabriek. “Kijk, dit is een worstenmachine: je doet er aan de ene kant varkens in en aan de andere kant komt er worst uit.”

Marokkaan: “Meneer, als je machine andersom laten draaien en er een worst in steken, komen er dan varkens uit?"

Baas: "Nee jongeman, dat kan die machine niet. Dat kan alleen bij Marokkaanse vrouwen!”

Antwerps rijexamen

Twee Antwerpse blondjes zitten aan den toog in een caféke op 't Kiel. Zegt de een : "k heb zojuist weer m'n rijexamen gedaan."
"Allee", vraagt de ander : "en, hoe was 't ?"
"Nie goe, zenne", zei ze, "weer gezakt!"
"Ik kom weer op dat ronde punt, en daar stond een bord met dertig op, dus rij ik dertig keer rond dat ronde punt."
"Ai", zei de ander, "en.... verkeerd geteld, of wat ?

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Viagra en De Oude Man - Jika umur mu 96 tahun

Een oude man stapt bij een drogist naar binnen
Seorang laki tua masuk ketoko obat

"Mag ik 6 Viagra tabletten in vieren gesneden
"Boleh kah satu membagi Viagra  tablet menjadi 4?"

"Ik kan ze wel voor u snijden" zei de drogist
"Saya akan memotongnya buatmu",kata penjual obat

"maar een kwart tablet geeft u geen volledige erectie."
"tapi kalau cuma seperempat anda tidak akan mendapatkan erection

Sint Petrus en De hoer - Pelacur & Santo Petrus

Aan de hemelpoort

Er komt een prostituee bij de hemelpoort. Petrus vraagt wat ze vroeger geweest is. De hoer bekent dat ze prostituee is geweest.

Seorang pelacur datang dipintu Nirwana.Petrus bertanya apa pekerjaan nya dulu.Sang Pelacur mengaku apa pekerjaannya dimasa lampau.

'Dan mag je hier niet naar binnen, ' zegt Petrus, 'ga daar maar even op het bankje zitten.'
De vrouw gaat op het bankje

De Vacature - Lowongan Kerja

Een man komt bij het Arbeidsbureau te Den Haag en ziet daar een kaart waarop een assistent voor een gynaecoloog wordt gevraagd. Hij is geïnteresseerd en wil meer weten.

"Kun je me meer details geven over deze vacature?" vraagt hij aan de man achter de balie.
De medewerker van het Arbeidsbureau zoekt in zijn dossiers en antwoord: "Uuuh... even kijken, hier is het. OK, het werk bestaat eruit de

Zaken zijn zaken - Business is Business

Een Arabier gaat bij een Jood zwarte Bh's kopen.
(Seorang Arab membeli BH warna hitam dari seorang Yahudi)

De Jood, algemeen bekend voor hun zaken doen, zegt dat zwarte Bh's zeer zeldzaam zijn, en dat er praktisch geen meer te krijgen zijn. Ze kosten dan ook 50 €.
(Orang Yahudi, yang terkenal sebagai pedagang yang unggul, mengatakan bahwa BH warna hitam sangat langka dan praktis tidak tersedia

Humor Orang Dewasa

1) Kita dilahirkan dan tumbuh bersama2, kita juga merasakan kesenangan sama2, tapi Kanapa elu mesti Mati duluan?? Ratap kakek 70 thn sambil mandangin burungnya.

2) Tentara Amerika masuk ke toko di Bagdad: “Condom please, size XL !” Penjaga toko jawab: “Sorry Sir, no kid’s size, we have only XXL or XXXL here!”

3) Seorang Pria dgn terburu2 masuk ke WC Wanita dan si wanita menegur: “THIS IS FOR

House Warming Party

I went to a HOUSE WARMING party of my new Dutch friend.
On arrival, he greets me with his pretty wife & says:
"LICK HER IN D FRONT & POKE HER AT D BACK." .

I am scandalized only to be explained by his wife:
".... He Means, LIQUOR IS IN FRONT & POKER IS IN D BACK."

Indonesia Vs Malaysia - Indahnya Bahasa Indonesia

Indahnya Bahasa Indonesia :

INDONESIA : Anak Tiri
MALAYSIA : Anak Percume (ugh… tega..!

INDONESIA : Toilet
MALAYSIA : Bilik Termenung (emang seh… tapi apa cuma di toilet..???)

INDONESIA : Kementerian Agama
MALAYSIA : Kementerian Tak Berdosa (ah.. terlalu berharap, jadi pengen ktawa ngakak)
klo kementerian berdosa apa hayoo..

INDONESIA : Angkatan Darat
MALAYSIA : Laskar Hentak-Hentak Bumi (ups

Bendera Belanda Berkibar di Papua

Ini sungguh kejadian yang menjengkelkan… Satu bentuk pelecehan nasionalisme kita… Siapapun terusik… Bendera Belanda mulai kemarin petang di Gunung Jaya Wijaya sudah mulai berkibar… Campur tangan asing semakin kentara.

Sekjen Dewan Papua Thoha Al Hamid menceritakan kepada polisi semalam… Tentu berkibarnya bendera Belanda membuat aparat polisi meradang. Maka satu peleton polisi pun dikerahkan ke

Info penting dari Distlantas Polda Metro Jaya

Sehubungan dengan kemacetan di Jakarta, Ada edaran dari Ditlantas Metro tentang Lalu Lintas

UNTUK MEMPERMUDAH PENYAMPAIAN INFO LALU LINTAS,LANTAS DKI Jakarta
MENGGUNAKAN SINGKATAN BARU SBB:

1. Ramlan (ramai lancar)

2. Pamer paha (padat merayap tanpa harapan)

3. Pamer susu (padat merayap susul-menyusul)

4. Pamer gigi (padat merayap gila-gilaan)

5. Pamer pantat (padat merayap panjang antrian

Polish Divorce

Little knowledge is a very dangerous thing

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:
Have you any

Give up Drugs

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor

All drugs have two names

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen. 

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.    

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. 

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has

Sopir Angkot

Ceritanya ada anak umur 5 tahun yang naik angkot, dia kebagian duduk di depan bareng si supir. Selama di jalan dia ngoceh terus, namanya juga anak kecil.

Bocah: Kalo ayahku ayam, ibuku ayam, aku pasti anak ayam.

Bocah: Kalo ayahku burung, ibuku burung, aku pasti anak burung.. (si sopirnya nengok ke bocah itu, dalam hati.. brisik banget nih anak..).

Bocah: Kalo ayahku kuda, ibuku kuda, aku

Aktris Porno

Seorang perempuan sedang dalam proses melahirkan, dibantu oleh dokter kandungan.

Wanita: “Dokter, tolong nanti ceritakan warna dari setiap bagian tubuh anak saya.”

Dokter: ”Lho, kenapa?”

Wanita: ”Ehm, saya aktris porno dan anak ini hasil akting, jadi saya tidak tahu persis siapa ayahnya.”

Dokter mengangguk mengerti. Ketika kepala bayi keluar...

Dokter: “Nah kepala bayi sudah mulai muncul,

Sifat kita beda SEDIKIT dengan Yesus

Sebenarnya sifat kita beda SEDIKIT dengan Yesus


    Yesus SEDIKIT tidur  

Kita SEDIKIT-SEDIKIT tidur

Yesus SEDIKIT makan  

 Kita SEDIKIT-SEDIKIT makan

Yesus SEDIKIT marah  

 Kita SEDIKIT-SEDIKIT marah


Yesus SEDIKIT-SEDIKIT memberi & menolong  

 Kita SEDIKIT memberi & menolong

Yesus SEDIKIT-SEDIKIT berkorban  

 Kita SEDIKIT berkorban

Yesus SEDIKIT-SEDIKIT berdoa  

Kita SEDIKIT

Gan Bei

Alkisah seorang Cina dengan seorang Inggris yang saling tak mengerti bahasa mereka masing-masing, pergi ke restoran untuk makan bersama. Dengan bahasa Inggris seadanya mereka saling menyetujui makanan yang dipesan dan ketika makanan datang mereka mulai makan.

Setiap kali orang Cina tersebut mengangkat gelasnya, ia berkata kepada kawan Inggrisnya, "Gan bei!" (baca: kan pei !; artinya:"bersulang!

Ora Ketompo

Alkisah di sebuah perusahaan besar di kawasan Keprabon, tengah melakukan beberapa tes wawancara untuk *tidak* menerima calon karyawan baru, tentu saja salah satu prasyaratnya adalah harus berbahasa EJD (Ejaan Jawa yg nDaksempurna)..

Percakapan ini terjadi antara Bo Tat sang pewawancara *anehnya, bahasa jawanya bagus sekali * dan Shella sang pelamar

[Bagi yang tidak memahaminya nggih nyuwun sewu

Bukti Yesus Orang Jawa

... Asalnya dari Kudus
    Anak kecil, Anak Kudus, BintangMu gemerlap...dst
    dari lagu "Malam Kudus"

... dan nama aslinya: Puji.
    ingat lagu: Puji nama-Nya, Puji nama-Nya....

... golongan darahnya O, sesuai lagu "O darah Yesus".

... juga,
    baru diketahui akhir-akhir ini (mungkin dari naskah makam talpiot)
    bahwa ibu yesus, maria, punya profesi lain, karena penghasilan
    yusuf

Kisah wanita Ambon

Een oud Moluks vrouwtje in sarong kabaya stapt in de lift van een geweldig
chic flatgebouw.
Seorang wanita Ambon ber pakaian sarung kebaya masuk kedalam lift di sebuah bangunan yang "chic/mentereng"
Een mooie dame stapt ook de lift binnen en verspreid een sterke parfumgeur.
Ze bekijkt de oude indische vrouw met een arrogante blik en zegt tegen haar:
"Romance van Ralph Lauren, 80 euro per flesje".

Hati2 memilih menantu

Alkisah pada zaman dulu di Cina, ada seorang kaya raya, yang hartanya takkan habis 10 turunan!
Tapi karena 'salah itung', pada turunan ke 6, ludes sudah harta tsb..

Inilah 'silsilah' tragiss keluarga "Tjuan"...

Tjuan Tje Tiau punya anak Tjuan Tje Ban..
Tje Ban punya anak Tjuan Tje Tjeng..
Tje Tjeng punya anak Tjuan Tje Pek..
Tje Pek punya anak prempuan bernama, Tjuan Tje Tun..
Tje Tun menikah

Kisah Bulan Madu

Sepasang kekasih yang akan menikah beberapa hari lagi berusaha untuk masing-masing mempercantik diri dan menambah percaya diri menghadapai pasangannya.

 Sang pria yang punya masalah dengan bau kakinya meminta nasehat Ayahnya untuk masalah tersebut.

 Sang ayah pun menjawab dengan tipsnya untuk selalu menggunakan kaus kaki bahkan di tempat tidur.

 Sang wanita yang rupanya menderita bau mulut

Kisah seekor Anjing

Seorang penjual daging mengamati suasana sekitar tokonya. Ia sangat terkejut melihat seekor anjing datatng ke samping tokonya. Ia mengusir anjing itu, tetapi anjing itu kembali lg.

Maka, ia menghampiri anjing itu & melihat ada suatu catatan di mulut anjing itu. Ia mengambil catatan itu dan membacanya," tolong sediakan 12 sosis dan satu kaki domba. Uangnya ada di mulut anjing ini."

Si penjual

10 MOST important MEN in a women's LIFE

THE DOCTOR
Because he says " Take your clothes off" THE DENTISTBecause he says "OPEN WIDE" THE HAIRDRESSER
Because he says " Do you want it teased or blown" THE MILKMAN
Because he says "Do you want it in the front or the back" THE INTERIOR DECORATORBecause he says " Once its in you'll love it" THE SHARE BROKER
Because he says "It will rise gradually and maintain its peak for long-long time" THE

Hope You Understand

Hope u will laugh as i did.

Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction
A: A teabag.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----
Qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded

How to wash your cat

You put the cat in the toilet, add soap, sit on lid, flush several times.

Don't worry, the cat won't go down or drown. Then run like crazy. Close bathroom door on the way out.

The cat will pop the lid. Shake itself out. Claw up the toilet paper and crap on the floor (if you don't keep the litter box in the bathroom, that is).

You can clean up the mess later, but the cat's washed. BTW, you

Surga di Bawah Telapak Kaki Ibu

Seorang anak bertanya sama ibunya,
'Apa Benar Surga Seorang Anak Ada ditelapak Kaki ibu?'

'Ya Benar Sekali' jawab ibunya.

'Jadi dimana Surga untuk Bapak Bu?

'Kalo Surga Bapakmu Bukan DiBawah Kaki ibu',
'Tapi Di Bawah Pusar ibu.

'Surga Apa itu Bu?

'itu Surga Untuk Bapak.

'Apakah Bapak Sering ke Surga Bu ?'

'Jelas.
Tiap Malam Minggu..,
atau pada hari libur kadang2 tiap mlam bapak kesurga'.

Puns for Educated Minds

1.  The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2.  I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3.  She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4.  A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.  No matter how

Wonokairun Sing Pinter

Wonokairun lungo nang Tretes mampir nang Wisma Rindu Malam.
Isine wong wedhok ayu-ayu semlohe, sikile mulus-mulus gak onok sing bubulen.

Wonokairun disambut ambek Mamine  wisma.
“Aku pingin pethuk ambek Dewi” jare Wonokairun.
“Mbah, Dewi iku cewek paling ayu nang kene, taripe yo paling larang.
Sampeyan mesti gak cukup dhuwike, tak golekno sing liyane ae yo…” jare Mamine.
“Aku kudhu pethuk ambek

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

What A Coincidence!

A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As

A Man and a Casket

A man who makes caskets was on his way to deliver one of the coffins when his car broke down.

Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:

"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The man said, "I do not like where I was buried, so I am

Whats Good, Bad and Worse !

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can`t find your birth control pills
Worse: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Worse: You`re in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He`s a cross dresser
Worse: He looks better than you

Good: Your son`s finally maturing
Bad: He`s involved with the

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